Explained

Empty empty empty inside.
I did what i did because i had to. It wasnt a falling out of love or a lessening of the feelings i had, but it was a debt that can never be paid and a loyalty that must never waver.
It was for the woman who gave birth to me. If a person would say all that was said in pure anger i could forgive and perhaps forget, after all we all lose our heads in anger. But to say it with the calculated cruelty with the sole purpose of targeting that woman?
I'm sorry i cannot bear that. I'm not gonna pretend to be the model child, because i never was. I have screamed at her and even on occassion hurt her beyond words, even used cruel words, but that was a part of growing up and i apologized profusely and did my best to contain these outbursts. Because i knew as did she that in our heart of hearts whatever we said to one another never mattered. The love will always be there.
But to hear her be maligned so foully to simply make a point? To win in a petty inconsequential arguement? From someone who never knew her, who never understood the burdens she bore and the sacrifices she made?
No. That is unbearable to me.
People may analyse that i'm being too defensive over a feeling of guilt over her death and i say, what of it?
I still feel responsible for her death because it was indirectly or directly my fault. And never can i forgive myself and always i will let go of anything and everything for her. Always.

How to Stay Awake in Office

The best past time is plating with my hair which is growin longer an longer!!! And also accessorize using the various pieces I find wandering in my bag!!

Happy Holi!!!

Now as most people will know Holi in India is the festival of colors to welcome spring, pray for good harvests AND celebrate the downfall of an evil asura (demon) king.
Me thinks that we should celebrate it for a week instead of a day :|
Either way after having my fill of the hooliganism and utter mad fun at the community center, I decided to share the experience with Cads as well!
Speaking of the comm center, there were also a big bunch of abaya clad ladies and their affordable kids also playing with full gusto.
Wish some one would click that and send it to the Vishwa Hindu Parishad.
And probably the Shiv Sena too.

Maybe certain ex-flatmates will also benefit from that picture.

Fwd: The Look for The Dinner

>

> A great tip my sister gave me as I tried to dress and unsuccessfully hide the 3inches I had gained in the holidays...
> Dress dark and play up your legs!
> Being tall has that advantage of long legs that more often than not end up looking curvy instead of plain fat!
> So here was my dark slightly rock look with stockings, shorts, an oversized jumper and hiking boots!
>

The day i set my love free.

"Heres the day i hoped would never come'

The day i let my love go free. Normally we would call it a break-up but that definiton only applies when you stop loving the other person.

I never stopped loving him and he never actually loved me, so its not the same.

he loved the fact that he had a companion again, he liked the way i made him feel about himself. that is what he loved not the person who was making him feel this way.

it seems this is my biggest curse, i make the other person feel so good that they get deluded into thinking that they love me when actually they don't. it was so obvious all the time but the sincerity at that time fooled me into thinking that maybe this time it was different, that this time i could maybe trust another person with all of me and not be disappointed or broken.

i was wrong. so very wrong.

i didn't see the signs that it wasn't love at all it was just a mere dependency on my abilities. but i got fooled, i believed... i believed that it was real that we would have a future, a shared life. and so i gave him my all. i gave him my soul and my life, i gave him everything that i never gave and now will never give.

i fell so much in love that i refused to see the warnings and the signposts, the little markers that told me that what i percieved wasn't real. i just fell and i felt happy in falling not realizing that for every breathless, amazing weightless moment i was just getting closer to the day of reckoning when i would hit the ground.

it happened today, finally the ground came and met me and i exploded against it with nothing to cushion the fall.

i couldnt lie and hide anymore to myself. the delusions were over and it was time to move on. the world had completed a rotation, the sparkling day had turned into a starry night and it was time for all to sleep.

the next day is not like the previous one, what was is gone and now it was time for a freedom. i understand this only now.

goodbye my love. i miss you. i wished you had missed me too. then maybe we could stay as we were but obviously it was only a fantasy.

so remember today, for today was the day i set my love free.

Yesh or No?

Just as i was waiting for the domestic help to finish cleaning my room, i suddenly hit upon the fact that today will be Y's first day in the city without me since we got together. And without me means that i'm not physically there at all, no chance whatsoever for him to come along and meet me after hes done with the boys or whatever.

And strangely this makes me feel more anxious than i felt when i myself was facing my first evening away from him. I think its because i know that he is much more of an emotional person than me and perhaps that he does love me more than i love him.

Or maybe its just me tickling my vanity imagining that the world has stilled for a person if i'm not there. After all, its a rather potent power to have over a person and i for one am, in one part of my brain, hoping for an overwhelming reaction from him. But yet another part of me, wishes he would be able to adjust with aplomb so that he doesn't feel anymore sadness in relation to me leaving, lord knows i have hurt him enough by acting so selfishly.

The fact that i am selfish in this matter is irrefutable, after all what difference would a year or so make in my life? Not much. But still i chose to save them and return home instead of spending them with him in the city. After all it would not require much of me, i would just have to keep passing through the semesters and i would have him for company everyday, in front of my eyes.

However, i couldn't do that, which now leads me to think that it is better of he simply integrates back into the gang with minimum fuss. He doesn't deserve any additional pangs.

So then keeping my fingers crossed i sign off.