The day i set my love free.

"Heres the day i hoped would never come'

The day i let my love go free. Normally we would call it a break-up but that definiton only applies when you stop loving the other person.

I never stopped loving him and he never actually loved me, so its not the same.

he loved the fact that he had a companion again, he liked the way i made him feel about himself. that is what he loved not the person who was making him feel this way.

it seems this is my biggest curse, i make the other person feel so good that they get deluded into thinking that they love me when actually they don't. it was so obvious all the time but the sincerity at that time fooled me into thinking that maybe this time it was different, that this time i could maybe trust another person with all of me and not be disappointed or broken.

i was wrong. so very wrong.

i didn't see the signs that it wasn't love at all it was just a mere dependency on my abilities. but i got fooled, i believed... i believed that it was real that we would have a future, a shared life. and so i gave him my all. i gave him my soul and my life, i gave him everything that i never gave and now will never give.

i fell so much in love that i refused to see the warnings and the signposts, the little markers that told me that what i percieved wasn't real. i just fell and i felt happy in falling not realizing that for every breathless, amazing weightless moment i was just getting closer to the day of reckoning when i would hit the ground.

it happened today, finally the ground came and met me and i exploded against it with nothing to cushion the fall.

i couldnt lie and hide anymore to myself. the delusions were over and it was time to move on. the world had completed a rotation, the sparkling day had turned into a starry night and it was time for all to sleep.

the next day is not like the previous one, what was is gone and now it was time for a freedom. i understand this only now.

goodbye my love. i miss you. i wished you had missed me too. then maybe we could stay as we were but obviously it was only a fantasy.

so remember today, for today was the day i set my love free.

Yesh or No?

Just as i was waiting for the domestic help to finish cleaning my room, i suddenly hit upon the fact that today will be Y's first day in the city without me since we got together. And without me means that i'm not physically there at all, no chance whatsoever for him to come along and meet me after hes done with the boys or whatever.

And strangely this makes me feel more anxious than i felt when i myself was facing my first evening away from him. I think its because i know that he is much more of an emotional person than me and perhaps that he does love me more than i love him.

Or maybe its just me tickling my vanity imagining that the world has stilled for a person if i'm not there. After all, its a rather potent power to have over a person and i for one am, in one part of my brain, hoping for an overwhelming reaction from him. But yet another part of me, wishes he would be able to adjust with aplomb so that he doesn't feel anymore sadness in relation to me leaving, lord knows i have hurt him enough by acting so selfishly.

The fact that i am selfish in this matter is irrefutable, after all what difference would a year or so make in my life? Not much. But still i chose to save them and return home instead of spending them with him in the city. After all it would not require much of me, i would just have to keep passing through the semesters and i would have him for company everyday, in front of my eyes.

However, i couldn't do that, which now leads me to think that it is better of he simply integrates back into the gang with minimum fuss. He doesn't deserve any additional pangs.

So then keeping my fingers crossed i sign off.

Fear of My Dog : Solved!!!

So apparently my dog's unexplained shaking had nothing to do with the guests and nothing with me either.. sort of!

Apparently she was scared that i was taking her up for a bath! It seems that whenever she would be taken upstairs in the afternoon it usually ended with her getting a thorough scrubbing and that is what she perceived yesterday.

The mystery got solved today when my bhai took her upstairs for a bath and she was behaving the same way. Unfortunately she could not be bathed today, trust me it is unfortunate i'm the one she cuddles up to in the night, owing to the fact that the whole household was running late today and there was a veritable queue for the hot water!

lets see maybe tomorrow i'll do the honours!

Arrivals of Guests and My Dog's Fear

Funny as it is to receive guests in my house, its even funnier when my dog gets frightened of me because of them.

Why do you ask its funny to receive guests in my house? Well the answer is pretty simple, my family are generally regarded as social pariahs. We don't have enough of the money left to mingle around with the set we were with earlier and yet strangely we can't put our snobby noses down enough to mingle with the set that we actually belong to now. Yep, its the textbook Fallen Family.

Either way when these guests do arrive for some or the other activity the most furor is caused over my dog, which i really don't understand personally. She is a harmless creature who ADORES having new people around and subsequently is the nicest with them. But to the rest of the family (namely Dad and Bhai) she is the equivalent of a demon waiting with an ax inside the door, irrational fears as we all know are very prevalent throughout most of humankind.

So due to this irrational fear first Bhai goes ahead and ties her up, cruelly i might add because she can't move an inch in the way he has tied her. So i go to rescue her and try to take her upstairs where both of us can happily retire snuggling side by side, unfortunately this does not go as planned as for some unknown reason Cadu bolts like a bat out of hell in the middle of the stairs, luckily i have her leash in a firm grip so i manage to grab her and hoist her into my arms (not as easy as it sounds, she is HEAVY). Now this is where it gets confusing, i carry her till the balcony where i put her down and settle next to her on the floor and she is shivering like its 20 degrees outside, at first i assume shes cold and i put a blankie down for her but when she flinches when i stroke her i realize that she is really really frightened.

I open the balcony door to let her into the room and forget that i've left the door open, she runs away from the room and back into the drawing room where she ignores everyone and goes over to hide under the sofa.

Now i'm beyond understanding, what did i do? Maybe i yanked on her collar too hard while she was running and she got hurt... or what else?? if you gather any ideas lemme know!

Waiting and Frustrating

I never truly thought i would be in love enough to be frustrated when i did not meet my paramour as often as i would like.

But as it stands, i am REALLY frustrated.

Frustrated with his brother for falling ill.

Frustrated with his inability to stay awake for me.

Frustrated with the work that he must do.

This is a new thing for me, i was never someone who can hold onto the little happenings and incidents throughout the day and regurgitate them at the end of the day. If something happens around/ with me then either you get to know about it then and there or you don't get to know about it at all.

I have had to learn to remember things, incidents, occurrences etc. and recreate them as vividly as possible only in the evenings.

But i'm not complaining, if anything this practice at least improves my memory of the upcoming assignments!

But now to have those evenings taken away so callously? Its too hard to be borne. On the other hand i guess its a good thing that this happened, its providing us with experience for the times when i'll have my holidays. After all i can't spend every holiday away from my family on the pretext of one college thing or the other.

Only... i would have more distractions around when i would be in Delhi.

I love him and life was easier when i didn't but it wasn't happier than now.

Of Love

Singing in the joy,
Of morning more bright
For the light of love
Not one to be coy
Sparrows hopping left to right
Watch from above
Dangle like a toy
Such a lovely sight
Is the soar of a dove

Drunk Musing 2

Often i have wondered, and i think i will keep wondering if the Indian practice of keeping the kids to the house long after they have achieved maturity is a good decision or not.

I mean lets be truthful people, how do most of us spend our time at home? We certainly don't spend every moment of it in happy family quality time! In fact, most of (and being truthful- all the time we can) our time in home in our own respective rooms either wishing we were someplace else or more likely cribbing about why we couldn't be somewhere else.

In my opinion (so don't fucking jump on me you purists) this practice is only inhibiting the growth of any person as an individual. We never get to find out whether we are the way we are because we actually like it ir because there was no other way to be. In the rigid world of codes and conduct (don't wear shorts in front of your father, stop wandering bra-less in front of the servants) we dont really get to know whether we like the way things are, or whether we are just accepting it the way it is.

I mean its only once i got to hostel for my college i realized that i actually enjoy doing things for people (cooking, errand running, etc.) i never realized that it was something i liked while i was at home. At that time it was just the way things were, me as the youngest had to fetch and carry out orders of the elders, I never gave it a second thought because it was just the way things were but now i know that i like doing that for people i care about.

Just like i know that i don't like doing things just because somebody tells me, there has to be a good reason if somebody tells me not to do something or to do something. They have to justify why they're forcing me to do so. Whether it be for impressing the masses or for religious reasons or because they themselves are too lazy, whatever... it has to be known.

I can no longer accept everything and anything just because someone in my family said so, but if you look around many people will still cling to the notion that if a family member has said or suggested something then its one of the 10 commandments. But thats not true people! Family is close yes, but in the end you know yourself best! And also everyone needs to be their own decision maker in life, sure we need help from all sources in making that decision but the final verdict should be our own, family be damned! After all no matter how much your sister says that you dont have a green dress, green doesn't suit you! Then why even bother to have a single thing in green? Just cause she thinks its a tragedy that you don't have green, doesn't mean its a tragedy for you! You're the one whose gonna be wearing that dress not her!

So make your decisions people! Don't worry about parents, either they'll get used to it or they'll throw you out and use your friends to keep a track on you.

Either way you're covered!

Drunk Musing 1

In my drunk state of higher conscious, it strikes me, that the universal divide between the different generations will never be bridged. At least not anytime soon.

The elder generation is too firmly put in their belief that whatever they have experienced and the understanding they have of the world is so much more vast than that of the younger generation. While i do not contend that this, in fact, might hold true. I am strongly against the assumption that this holds true for everyone.

It is true that through sheer number of years, the elders have an edge over us newcomers in this existence, but to believe that they always know best is laughable and archaic in the extreme. This is not a new concept by any means, its actually verifiable to be a question as old as the question of diamonds or pearls, amply illustrated by the 1950s motion pictures in which the line "Aaj kal ke bachche" was immortalised and held up as a classic representation of parental disapproval continuing onto today's much more colourful world.

The world is getting older in its thinking at a much younger age, while it was unimaginable for any girl to even think the idea of applying kajal before reaching the hallowed middle school years. Now we see flavoured lip glosses, featuring the new favourite cartoon hero/heroine especially made for tender (not so anymore!) junior middle kids.

The generation gap will never go out of fashion, it is after all a classic disease that has withstood the test of time even better than terminal cancer. But all i would like to hear from my generation would be the promise to hear the future. To actually listen to them and understand the fact that the world is not getting any younger, its in fact getting more open and more liberated everyday. We are free today to dress and behave the way we did while we were in our 20s when we are in our 40s. It would be a sad sad way to thank the future mortals by suppressing them for a major portion of their lives, simply due to the egotistic thinking that 'because i'm older i know best'

Its time the world understands that The Gap is not bridged by tolerance or by pretence of acceptance or even acceptance without a deeper understanding.

To bridge The Gap we need to listen, listen truly to the concern and anxiety of the times. Listen and then make them know whether understand or not.