Yesh or No?

Just as i was waiting for the domestic help to finish cleaning my room, i suddenly hit upon the fact that today will be Y's first day in the city without me since we got together. And without me means that i'm not physically there at all, no chance whatsoever for him to come along and meet me after hes done with the boys or whatever.

And strangely this makes me feel more anxious than i felt when i myself was facing my first evening away from him. I think its because i know that he is much more of an emotional person than me and perhaps that he does love me more than i love him.

Or maybe its just me tickling my vanity imagining that the world has stilled for a person if i'm not there. After all, its a rather potent power to have over a person and i for one am, in one part of my brain, hoping for an overwhelming reaction from him. But yet another part of me, wishes he would be able to adjust with aplomb so that he doesn't feel anymore sadness in relation to me leaving, lord knows i have hurt him enough by acting so selfishly.

The fact that i am selfish in this matter is irrefutable, after all what difference would a year or so make in my life? Not much. But still i chose to save them and return home instead of spending them with him in the city. After all it would not require much of me, i would just have to keep passing through the semesters and i would have him for company everyday, in front of my eyes.

However, i couldn't do that, which now leads me to think that it is better of he simply integrates back into the gang with minimum fuss. He doesn't deserve any additional pangs.

So then keeping my fingers crossed i sign off.

Fear of My Dog : Solved!!!

So apparently my dog's unexplained shaking had nothing to do with the guests and nothing with me either.. sort of!

Apparently she was scared that i was taking her up for a bath! It seems that whenever she would be taken upstairs in the afternoon it usually ended with her getting a thorough scrubbing and that is what she perceived yesterday.

The mystery got solved today when my bhai took her upstairs for a bath and she was behaving the same way. Unfortunately she could not be bathed today, trust me it is unfortunate i'm the one she cuddles up to in the night, owing to the fact that the whole household was running late today and there was a veritable queue for the hot water!

lets see maybe tomorrow i'll do the honours!

Arrivals of Guests and My Dog's Fear

Funny as it is to receive guests in my house, its even funnier when my dog gets frightened of me because of them.

Why do you ask its funny to receive guests in my house? Well the answer is pretty simple, my family are generally regarded as social pariahs. We don't have enough of the money left to mingle around with the set we were with earlier and yet strangely we can't put our snobby noses down enough to mingle with the set that we actually belong to now. Yep, its the textbook Fallen Family.

Either way when these guests do arrive for some or the other activity the most furor is caused over my dog, which i really don't understand personally. She is a harmless creature who ADORES having new people around and subsequently is the nicest with them. But to the rest of the family (namely Dad and Bhai) she is the equivalent of a demon waiting with an ax inside the door, irrational fears as we all know are very prevalent throughout most of humankind.

So due to this irrational fear first Bhai goes ahead and ties her up, cruelly i might add because she can't move an inch in the way he has tied her. So i go to rescue her and try to take her upstairs where both of us can happily retire snuggling side by side, unfortunately this does not go as planned as for some unknown reason Cadu bolts like a bat out of hell in the middle of the stairs, luckily i have her leash in a firm grip so i manage to grab her and hoist her into my arms (not as easy as it sounds, she is HEAVY). Now this is where it gets confusing, i carry her till the balcony where i put her down and settle next to her on the floor and she is shivering like its 20 degrees outside, at first i assume shes cold and i put a blankie down for her but when she flinches when i stroke her i realize that she is really really frightened.

I open the balcony door to let her into the room and forget that i've left the door open, she runs away from the room and back into the drawing room where she ignores everyone and goes over to hide under the sofa.

Now i'm beyond understanding, what did i do? Maybe i yanked on her collar too hard while she was running and she got hurt... or what else?? if you gather any ideas lemme know!

Waiting and Frustrating

I never truly thought i would be in love enough to be frustrated when i did not meet my paramour as often as i would like.

But as it stands, i am REALLY frustrated.

Frustrated with his brother for falling ill.

Frustrated with his inability to stay awake for me.

Frustrated with the work that he must do.

This is a new thing for me, i was never someone who can hold onto the little happenings and incidents throughout the day and regurgitate them at the end of the day. If something happens around/ with me then either you get to know about it then and there or you don't get to know about it at all.

I have had to learn to remember things, incidents, occurrences etc. and recreate them as vividly as possible only in the evenings.

But i'm not complaining, if anything this practice at least improves my memory of the upcoming assignments!

But now to have those evenings taken away so callously? Its too hard to be borne. On the other hand i guess its a good thing that this happened, its providing us with experience for the times when i'll have my holidays. After all i can't spend every holiday away from my family on the pretext of one college thing or the other.

Only... i would have more distractions around when i would be in Delhi.

I love him and life was easier when i didn't but it wasn't happier than now.