Just as i was waiting for the domestic help to finish cleaning my room, i suddenly hit upon the fact that today will be Y's first day in the city without me since we got together. And without me means that i'm not physically there at all, no chance whatsoever for him to come along and meet me after hes done with the boys or whatever.
And strangely this makes me feel more anxious than i felt when i myself was facing my first evening away from him. I think its because i know that he is much more of an emotional person than me and perhaps that he does love me more than i love him.
Or maybe its just me tickling my vanity imagining that the world has stilled for a person if i'm not there. After all, its a rather potent power to have over a person and i for one am, in one part of my brain, hoping for an overwhelming reaction from him. But yet another part of me, wishes he would be able to adjust with aplomb so that he doesn't feel anymore sadness in relation to me leaving, lord knows i have hurt him enough by acting so selfishly.
The fact that i am selfish in this matter is irrefutable, after all what difference would a year or so make in my life? Not much. But still i chose to save them and return home instead of spending them with him in the city. After all it would not require much of me, i would just have to keep passing through the semesters and i would have him for company everyday, in front of my eyes.
However, i couldn't do that, which now leads me to think that it is better of he simply integrates back into the gang with minimum fuss. He doesn't deserve any additional pangs.
So then keeping my fingers crossed i sign off.
