Empty empty empty inside.
I did what i did because i had to. It wasnt a falling out of love or a lessening of the feelings i had, but it was a debt that can never be paid and a loyalty that must never waver.
It was for the woman who gave birth to me. If a person would say all that was said in pure anger i could forgive and perhaps forget, after all we all lose our heads in anger. But to say it with the calculated cruelty with the sole purpose of targeting that woman?
I'm sorry i cannot bear that. I'm not gonna pretend to be the model child, because i never was. I have screamed at her and even on occassion hurt her beyond words, even used cruel words, but that was a part of growing up and i apologized profusely and did my best to contain these outbursts. Because i knew as did she that in our heart of hearts whatever we said to one another never mattered. The love will always be there.
But to hear her be maligned so foully to simply make a point? To win in a petty inconsequential arguement? From someone who never knew her, who never understood the burdens she bore and the sacrifices she made?
No. That is unbearable to me.
People may analyse that i'm being too defensive over a feeling of guilt over her death and i say, what of it?
I still feel responsible for her death because it was indirectly or directly my fault. And never can i forgive myself and always i will let go of anything and everything for her. Always.
I did what i did because i had to. It wasnt a falling out of love or a lessening of the feelings i had, but it was a debt that can never be paid and a loyalty that must never waver.
It was for the woman who gave birth to me. If a person would say all that was said in pure anger i could forgive and perhaps forget, after all we all lose our heads in anger. But to say it with the calculated cruelty with the sole purpose of targeting that woman?
I'm sorry i cannot bear that. I'm not gonna pretend to be the model child, because i never was. I have screamed at her and even on occassion hurt her beyond words, even used cruel words, but that was a part of growing up and i apologized profusely and did my best to contain these outbursts. Because i knew as did she that in our heart of hearts whatever we said to one another never mattered. The love will always be there.
But to hear her be maligned so foully to simply make a point? To win in a petty inconsequential arguement? From someone who never knew her, who never understood the burdens she bore and the sacrifices she made?
No. That is unbearable to me.
People may analyse that i'm being too defensive over a feeling of guilt over her death and i say, what of it?
I still feel responsible for her death because it was indirectly or directly my fault. And never can i forgive myself and always i will let go of anything and everything for her. Always.
