Thank You Debo.

You gave me the courage to go to places alone. Showed me that it's okay to wander in solitude. 

I learned that it's okay to be hung up 3 times over on boys as long as you keep yourself open for the fourth because you were so satisfied. You made me realize that sometimes being in denial is more fun than accepting everything right away because the joy goes deeper that way. Sometimes you needed to be told you were okay as you were and I got the chance to be myself by telling you that.

You dare me to take a risk, encourage me to move away from comfort and be the crazy I want.
Because you are therefore I am.
Forever. 

Screwing Friendships

This is a post on how to screw up a totally awesome friendship.
The best way to do that is to forget your boundaries, there may be things that you are kind of hoping for or you think might be developing but actually forcing anyone into that scenario is a bad idea. Even if they weren't seeming to mind it too much at the time. Although that could be attributed to being high.
Even then its still a bad idea.
The next worst thing to do is not talk about it at all afterwards, trust me you should talk about it. If nothing else, laughing it off can at least ease the tensions that may otherwise build up and cause your cold to graduate to a full on flu. Also not talking would make the parties involved so awkward with one another that they now speak in monosyllables where once they had to physically restrain the other person to get a word in edgewise.
Bad bad bad scenario that.
After all that comes your own lovely head screaming things that you would usually hear in a college dorm catfight and since its all in your head you can't even turn the bloody thing off and feel better. Soon comes the guilt that would put a child-murderer to shame. Speaking of shame, that comes along too in bundles and bundles, so many bundles that in a way you start wishing that it could magically turn into money so that you can move out of your parent's house.
Keep concentrating on your head and you might need therapy.
Then its the turn of the things everyone else's head is saying, namely friends and family and some innocent bystanders too. If you're lucky and your friends aren't really your friends they'll tell you exactly what you want to hear even if that is furthest from the truth. True friends will let you know that everything your head is screaming is perfectly true and therapy wouldn't be so bad for you right now.
Nothing like confirmation of your stupidity.
Now comes the part when everything is in utter shambles and you're wondering if its even worth getting up in the morning because in your dreams the world is just peachy. But unfortunately you can't sleep forever unless you're in a coma, so you just get up everyday and face everything and hope that the day is not far when you start to forget the whole mess and hopefully get a new friend with whom you'll be more careful while you're at it. Because you can't literally die of embarrassment so might as well hope for less of them in the future and count these incidents as training modules.

Minors and Majors

So life is going in a very laissez-faire way, which i'm not complaining about really, after all the upheveals and emotional dramas im actually rather enjoying this peaceful (so far) month where i'm basically doing very little but at the same time doing very well.
Now generally people (e.g. Dad) have an opinion that a person who is not busy is not living and is therefore likely to be dead, but i disagree. This waiting and watching period has given me time to reflect on things that matter and to also be my own woman and finally take initiative in burning and building bridges.
Although i'll be the first to point out that i'm nowhere near where i actually want to be but hey! at least i took the first few steps! I'm allowed to take a few moments to sit down, smell the roses and sip the champagne and revel in my minor but major success on getting started on the road to success!

I've lost it

I think i'm going crazy. No seriously, i have all the signs -

1. Inability to focus on reality
2. Random paranoria
3. Excessive bursts of energy followed by lethargy

See? I just might be crazy.

Or

Maybe i'm normal. And have expected too much and given too much of myself to the wrong person.
I mean the whole reason anyone would want their Guy to be in the same city would be so they can spend as much time possible with each other right?
It doesn't have to be everyday! But whenever its been a bad day at work or the weather is romantic, you can duck out in the weekday and meet up! Also meeting more than once on the weekend would be nice too.
So is it wrong for me to expect that? Especially when He is here on an extended vacation so far, no work, no courses, no family etc.
God i can't even write about this. I feel so bloody confused and disappointed and angry and messed up.

Winter Festive ?

Now going through the Day 2 pictures of the LFW Winter/Festive has been pretty boring apart from the few high points created by Nikhil Thampi and Payal Khandwala.

Payal Khandwala

Nikhil Thampi

Aartivijay's cute cluelessness

The other designers seem to be favoring there and done things and most of them are not even following the bloody fashion week theme of Winter Festive! Case point in this is Artivijay Gupta whose all white  printed garments really belong in a summer/spring show, i mean no one is gonna wear a nifty little sundress in winter no matter how adorable it looks.
Unhappily it seems most designer's seem to forget the Winter part so the few collections i liked also suffered from shorts, tanks and cotton flares.
**Sigh**

Yech is all i can say

Another one who joined Aartivijay's Gang of Cluelessness was Nimish Shah whose clothes were winter wear but only if the festival was someone's funeral.  Drab prints mixed in with those awful sweaters that looked trailer-trash borrowed made for one super eye-ache.











One designer whose work really caught my eye was Sidharta Aryan. 
I loved the way his garments moved and clung in the most flattering of ways and his mix of prints with Orient style trimmings and 50's feel of experiment was awesome. 
The only thing i wish is that he would have chosen a slightly different subject for the tone of his prints. The prints he had were nice but had an undeniable seen-before quality.

Fresh attractive, a little familiar

Another designer who i liked was Roma Narsinghani. 
Her clothes were whimsical with a bohemian mughal feel. I liked the way she had incorporated the flowing fabrics and geometric prints, they went well and gave a vibe of young indian blood. 
However i wished she would have edited her outfits a little, in some cases the fabulous lines were being distorted by humongous and frankly unnecessary surface decoration. She would do well to not try to add drama to the clothes, they can create it all by themselves.

Well done but OVERDONE!

Symmetry

Shillong Again

Its been great here so far! A kind of reconnaissance of all those wonderful times i spent here for 3 years.
The best thing is that even though i have been out of the scene for the last 6 months, people still remember me and all my little shenanginans...
I'll miss this place like anything when i'll go especially when i dont really have any more reason to come back again, there is of course the next year's graduation which is also of my batch (the batch i joined after flunking one semester) but somehow i dont feel that there will be any real tie bindinjg me to come there.
Of course this is just musing for now, who knows i might become closer than ever with them once the internships in delhi start, i might have my wishes of the college life in delhi with the people from shillong.
Its seems so weird that once i never needed to take a taxi to and from anywhere as i usually had one or the other person driving me around. But then again as i strive to remind myself that before those times i was a hardcore walker/ shared taxi personality.
But its harder to leave a luxurious habiot than to get one. I have to remind myself that the local part of shillonhg is gone now and that wasnt the part i had cherished or loved the most while i was here.
True the local life was awesome but it was only so because i knew i had a hostel and college to get back to and people there who would rally around me in the time of crisis.
So ya, coming back served many purposes the main one was to remind me that some things had only hyappened for 6 months while the others were there for the past 3 years and will (hopefully) remain for the next 30 as well.

Starships AKA Tween Prom Dress Song

Seriously people after so many cutely frivolous lyrics from Nicki's side i had actually expected more.. i figured she has managed to find that line between, kiddy and cute!
But with Starships she proves me so very very wrong... I mean its just simple-minded and to some degree it reads like a drunk 15yr old who managed to splash red wine on her bought-by-saving-babysitting-money dress at the popular boys party.
Frankly i think its way below her other works.
And also i have sneaky suspicion that she might have flinched the lyrics from a fan diary.
hey you have a better explanation?

Explained

Empty empty empty inside.
I did what i did because i had to. It wasnt a falling out of love or a lessening of the feelings i had, but it was a debt that can never be paid and a loyalty that must never waver.
It was for the woman who gave birth to me. If a person would say all that was said in pure anger i could forgive and perhaps forget, after all we all lose our heads in anger. But to say it with the calculated cruelty with the sole purpose of targeting that woman?
I'm sorry i cannot bear that. I'm not gonna pretend to be the model child, because i never was. I have screamed at her and even on occassion hurt her beyond words, even used cruel words, but that was a part of growing up and i apologized profusely and did my best to contain these outbursts. Because i knew as did she that in our heart of hearts whatever we said to one another never mattered. The love will always be there.
But to hear her be maligned so foully to simply make a point? To win in a petty inconsequential arguement? From someone who never knew her, who never understood the burdens she bore and the sacrifices she made?
No. That is unbearable to me.
People may analyse that i'm being too defensive over a feeling of guilt over her death and i say, what of it?
I still feel responsible for her death because it was indirectly or directly my fault. And never can i forgive myself and always i will let go of anything and everything for her. Always.

How to Stay Awake in Office

The best past time is plating with my hair which is growin longer an longer!!! And also accessorize using the various pieces I find wandering in my bag!!

Happy Holi!!!

Now as most people will know Holi in India is the festival of colors to welcome spring, pray for good harvests AND celebrate the downfall of an evil asura (demon) king.
Me thinks that we should celebrate it for a week instead of a day :|
Either way after having my fill of the hooliganism and utter mad fun at the community center, I decided to share the experience with Cads as well!
Speaking of the comm center, there were also a big bunch of abaya clad ladies and their affordable kids also playing with full gusto.
Wish some one would click that and send it to the Vishwa Hindu Parishad.
And probably the Shiv Sena too.

Maybe certain ex-flatmates will also benefit from that picture.

Fwd: The Look for The Dinner

>

> A great tip my sister gave me as I tried to dress and unsuccessfully hide the 3inches I had gained in the holidays...
> Dress dark and play up your legs!
> Being tall has that advantage of long legs that more often than not end up looking curvy instead of plain fat!
> So here was my dark slightly rock look with stockings, shorts, an oversized jumper and hiking boots!
>

The day i set my love free.

"Heres the day i hoped would never come'

The day i let my love go free. Normally we would call it a break-up but that definiton only applies when you stop loving the other person.

I never stopped loving him and he never actually loved me, so its not the same.

he loved the fact that he had a companion again, he liked the way i made him feel about himself. that is what he loved not the person who was making him feel this way.

it seems this is my biggest curse, i make the other person feel so good that they get deluded into thinking that they love me when actually they don't. it was so obvious all the time but the sincerity at that time fooled me into thinking that maybe this time it was different, that this time i could maybe trust another person with all of me and not be disappointed or broken.

i was wrong. so very wrong.

i didn't see the signs that it wasn't love at all it was just a mere dependency on my abilities. but i got fooled, i believed... i believed that it was real that we would have a future, a shared life. and so i gave him my all. i gave him my soul and my life, i gave him everything that i never gave and now will never give.

i fell so much in love that i refused to see the warnings and the signposts, the little markers that told me that what i percieved wasn't real. i just fell and i felt happy in falling not realizing that for every breathless, amazing weightless moment i was just getting closer to the day of reckoning when i would hit the ground.

it happened today, finally the ground came and met me and i exploded against it with nothing to cushion the fall.

i couldnt lie and hide anymore to myself. the delusions were over and it was time to move on. the world had completed a rotation, the sparkling day had turned into a starry night and it was time for all to sleep.

the next day is not like the previous one, what was is gone and now it was time for a freedom. i understand this only now.

goodbye my love. i miss you. i wished you had missed me too. then maybe we could stay as we were but obviously it was only a fantasy.

so remember today, for today was the day i set my love free.

Yesh or No?

Just as i was waiting for the domestic help to finish cleaning my room, i suddenly hit upon the fact that today will be Y's first day in the city without me since we got together. And without me means that i'm not physically there at all, no chance whatsoever for him to come along and meet me after hes done with the boys or whatever.

And strangely this makes me feel more anxious than i felt when i myself was facing my first evening away from him. I think its because i know that he is much more of an emotional person than me and perhaps that he does love me more than i love him.

Or maybe its just me tickling my vanity imagining that the world has stilled for a person if i'm not there. After all, its a rather potent power to have over a person and i for one am, in one part of my brain, hoping for an overwhelming reaction from him. But yet another part of me, wishes he would be able to adjust with aplomb so that he doesn't feel anymore sadness in relation to me leaving, lord knows i have hurt him enough by acting so selfishly.

The fact that i am selfish in this matter is irrefutable, after all what difference would a year or so make in my life? Not much. But still i chose to save them and return home instead of spending them with him in the city. After all it would not require much of me, i would just have to keep passing through the semesters and i would have him for company everyday, in front of my eyes.

However, i couldn't do that, which now leads me to think that it is better of he simply integrates back into the gang with minimum fuss. He doesn't deserve any additional pangs.

So then keeping my fingers crossed i sign off.

Fear of My Dog : Solved!!!

So apparently my dog's unexplained shaking had nothing to do with the guests and nothing with me either.. sort of!

Apparently she was scared that i was taking her up for a bath! It seems that whenever she would be taken upstairs in the afternoon it usually ended with her getting a thorough scrubbing and that is what she perceived yesterday.

The mystery got solved today when my bhai took her upstairs for a bath and she was behaving the same way. Unfortunately she could not be bathed today, trust me it is unfortunate i'm the one she cuddles up to in the night, owing to the fact that the whole household was running late today and there was a veritable queue for the hot water!

lets see maybe tomorrow i'll do the honours!

Arrivals of Guests and My Dog's Fear

Funny as it is to receive guests in my house, its even funnier when my dog gets frightened of me because of them.

Why do you ask its funny to receive guests in my house? Well the answer is pretty simple, my family are generally regarded as social pariahs. We don't have enough of the money left to mingle around with the set we were with earlier and yet strangely we can't put our snobby noses down enough to mingle with the set that we actually belong to now. Yep, its the textbook Fallen Family.

Either way when these guests do arrive for some or the other activity the most furor is caused over my dog, which i really don't understand personally. She is a harmless creature who ADORES having new people around and subsequently is the nicest with them. But to the rest of the family (namely Dad and Bhai) she is the equivalent of a demon waiting with an ax inside the door, irrational fears as we all know are very prevalent throughout most of humankind.

So due to this irrational fear first Bhai goes ahead and ties her up, cruelly i might add because she can't move an inch in the way he has tied her. So i go to rescue her and try to take her upstairs where both of us can happily retire snuggling side by side, unfortunately this does not go as planned as for some unknown reason Cadu bolts like a bat out of hell in the middle of the stairs, luckily i have her leash in a firm grip so i manage to grab her and hoist her into my arms (not as easy as it sounds, she is HEAVY). Now this is where it gets confusing, i carry her till the balcony where i put her down and settle next to her on the floor and she is shivering like its 20 degrees outside, at first i assume shes cold and i put a blankie down for her but when she flinches when i stroke her i realize that she is really really frightened.

I open the balcony door to let her into the room and forget that i've left the door open, she runs away from the room and back into the drawing room where she ignores everyone and goes over to hide under the sofa.

Now i'm beyond understanding, what did i do? Maybe i yanked on her collar too hard while she was running and she got hurt... or what else?? if you gather any ideas lemme know!

Waiting and Frustrating

I never truly thought i would be in love enough to be frustrated when i did not meet my paramour as often as i would like.

But as it stands, i am REALLY frustrated.

Frustrated with his brother for falling ill.

Frustrated with his inability to stay awake for me.

Frustrated with the work that he must do.

This is a new thing for me, i was never someone who can hold onto the little happenings and incidents throughout the day and regurgitate them at the end of the day. If something happens around/ with me then either you get to know about it then and there or you don't get to know about it at all.

I have had to learn to remember things, incidents, occurrences etc. and recreate them as vividly as possible only in the evenings.

But i'm not complaining, if anything this practice at least improves my memory of the upcoming assignments!

But now to have those evenings taken away so callously? Its too hard to be borne. On the other hand i guess its a good thing that this happened, its providing us with experience for the times when i'll have my holidays. After all i can't spend every holiday away from my family on the pretext of one college thing or the other.

Only... i would have more distractions around when i would be in Delhi.

I love him and life was easier when i didn't but it wasn't happier than now.

Of Love

Singing in the joy,
Of morning more bright
For the light of love
Not one to be coy
Sparrows hopping left to right
Watch from above
Dangle like a toy
Such a lovely sight
Is the soar of a dove

Drunk Musing 2

Often i have wondered, and i think i will keep wondering if the Indian practice of keeping the kids to the house long after they have achieved maturity is a good decision or not.

I mean lets be truthful people, how do most of us spend our time at home? We certainly don't spend every moment of it in happy family quality time! In fact, most of (and being truthful- all the time we can) our time in home in our own respective rooms either wishing we were someplace else or more likely cribbing about why we couldn't be somewhere else.

In my opinion (so don't fucking jump on me you purists) this practice is only inhibiting the growth of any person as an individual. We never get to find out whether we are the way we are because we actually like it ir because there was no other way to be. In the rigid world of codes and conduct (don't wear shorts in front of your father, stop wandering bra-less in front of the servants) we dont really get to know whether we like the way things are, or whether we are just accepting it the way it is.

I mean its only once i got to hostel for my college i realized that i actually enjoy doing things for people (cooking, errand running, etc.) i never realized that it was something i liked while i was at home. At that time it was just the way things were, me as the youngest had to fetch and carry out orders of the elders, I never gave it a second thought because it was just the way things were but now i know that i like doing that for people i care about.

Just like i know that i don't like doing things just because somebody tells me, there has to be a good reason if somebody tells me not to do something or to do something. They have to justify why they're forcing me to do so. Whether it be for impressing the masses or for religious reasons or because they themselves are too lazy, whatever... it has to be known.

I can no longer accept everything and anything just because someone in my family said so, but if you look around many people will still cling to the notion that if a family member has said or suggested something then its one of the 10 commandments. But thats not true people! Family is close yes, but in the end you know yourself best! And also everyone needs to be their own decision maker in life, sure we need help from all sources in making that decision but the final verdict should be our own, family be damned! After all no matter how much your sister says that you dont have a green dress, green doesn't suit you! Then why even bother to have a single thing in green? Just cause she thinks its a tragedy that you don't have green, doesn't mean its a tragedy for you! You're the one whose gonna be wearing that dress not her!

So make your decisions people! Don't worry about parents, either they'll get used to it or they'll throw you out and use your friends to keep a track on you.

Either way you're covered!